Sitting at my desk sobbing.
Finally emailed my sister-in-law about the job she told me about and explained that it sounds perfect, but I've been dealing with such nasty anxiety lately that I'm not sure I could handle it.
She emailed me this really nice reply about how she understands and she just really wants to see me in a better job and could get to college and get more schooling and have a future. And then she told me that she went to her doctor last month and got put on anxiety meds and that they've helped her so much. She said they're not a forever solution, but they help get her to a better functioning state.

Why can everyone else get through this but me?
My fear and anxiety are keeping me from tackling my fear and anxiety.
It's just so fucked up.

I can feel the winter blues gearing up already.

pulling away from everyone, sleeping for a few hours after i get home from work, waking up to snack, and going back to sleep until morning.
always on the verge of crying.
full of self-loathing.

i am so sick of existing like this.


sometimes on days like today it helps to go through my old pictures, my old journals and old posts on SH.
just to let myself know that I've come so far and that I *was* very sick.

I ache so badly,
for who I am now and for the girl I was then.

I wish I could've seen it then,
the severity of my problems.
But I can't even really see it now, at least not today.

Today is the kind of day where looking through those old things just makes me mad and angry and sad, makes me miss it all.

It's so dumb, that I'd miss something that made me so ill and has done so much damage to my body.

But today I do.
And tomorrow I probably will too.

I just want to be rid of this, for good.

I'm sick of sitting at work trying to figure out how I can kill myself between now and the next workday.
I'm sick of this anxiety keeping me here.
I'm sick of the anxiety keeping me in town because I can't fucking drive anywhere.
I'm sick of constantly worrying about every little fucking thing.

I'm looking up mental health/counseling places covered by my insurance.
This will be the first time I've done this in 8 years.
I'm fucking terrified.

positive thoughts, where have you gone?

Mad at myself for being a fat worthless anxiety-ridden slob who can't get out of the dead-end job that makes me suicidal, but I obviously cant tell anyone that so I'm taking it out on everyone else.

I want to sleep for weeks or forever.
I want to never have to leave my house again, just staying inside with my kitty and wallowing in my own self-loathing and anger and sadness until I'm nothing.

And the stupid thing is, as always, I hear myself saying "if I were at least starving or purging or skinny again, this would all be ok. There'd be a silver lining in it all."

This is all just completely pointless.

Rambling. Too many feelings.

The work pants I bought a month ago and have barely worn are far too tight today.
I've been having troubles lately eating over 1000 calories and this is not helping.

I have to drive myself to the fair tomorrow and I'm freaking out already.
My anxiety has been pretty shitty in general lately, but my driving anxiety has been out of control.

On top of that, the road to the fair is a hard one for me.
I have to drive one the last road my cousin was on. I have to drive right by the crash site. Four years and the hurt of losing him is still so fresh.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, aside from chain smoking my way there and probably stopping to puke from panic and memories.

This anxiety is ruining my life.

Week four: Powers of the Self

(this might not make any sense. In trying to piece my thoughts together, I feel they get more jumbled and that I question what I am saying more and more.)

I try to go through my life, thinking and concentrating as hard as I can, to try and find the exact moment in time where I realized I have no self-esteem.
I don't know when it happened, but it happened.
In doing so, it became even more apparent that not only do I have no self-esteem,
but I also have no self-worth, respect, confidence, acceptance, love, et all.

Over the years, I've done all the 'normal' things to try and find all those things.
I've dressed inappropriately, showing off more of my body than I was actually comfortable with.
I've looked to the bottom of way too many bottles of all kinds, looking for what I was lacking.
I've been with far more people than I feel ok admitting, physically and emotionally.
I've worked myself to the point of exhaustion and deprived myself of basic human needs.

For so many years I've been doing these things and so many more,
trying to find in every other thing possible the things that I can only find inside myself.

Hell, I'm still doing these things,
still trying to find love and acceptance,
respect and confidence and worth,
all from and for myself.

I think somewhere inside my brain, the blindingly obvious truth is starting to shine through:
none of this is going to be achieved through outside measures.
The only place I will find these things is in myself.

I don't know where to start and I'm constantly looking for ways to get there faster.
But all I can do is keep trying and keep hoping that some day,
soon or in the future, I can find respect for myself.
I can realize my own self-worth.
I can be filled with self-confidence and self-esteem.

And most importantly, come to love myself.
Because, as Ru-Paul once said,
if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?

closure and bad days

I’m really surprised that I’m not more upset about this. But I think it’s good. I can feel the door shut on that part of my past. I don’t feel like I’m missing something anymore, because I’ve got my answer.
It does hurt a lot, the fact that he’s moved on and they’re trying to start a family, but maybe now I can too.
No more holding back. No more what-ifs. No more forgetting the future because I’m stuck in the past.
This is good, all of it.

----

Today I am struggling with eating.
I am having a terrible "fat day" and I keep going through my food log and cutting stuff out.
I want to see just how little I can survive on this week.
I'm reworking the meal plans I took so much care to make.

I wish the heat were gone, so I could stop having to monitor how much I exercise outside.

I feel close to the edge today,
All I need is a push and goddammit I'll do it again.
Just you see how small I'll get this time.

I don't know if it has anything to do with the emails,
I really do feel ok with everything being definite ended.

But then where did these feelings come from?