Week four: Powers of the Self

(this might not make any sense. In trying to piece my thoughts together, I feel they get more jumbled and that I question what I am saying more and more.)

I try to go through my life, thinking and concentrating as hard as I can, to try and find the exact moment in time where I realized I have no self-esteem.
I don't know when it happened, but it happened.
In doing so, it became even more apparent that not only do I have no self-esteem,
but I also have no self-worth, respect, confidence, acceptance, love, et all.

Over the years, I've done all the 'normal' things to try and find all those things.
I've dressed inappropriately, showing off more of my body than I was actually comfortable with.
I've looked to the bottom of way too many bottles of all kinds, looking for what I was lacking.
I've been with far more people than I feel ok admitting, physically and emotionally.
I've worked myself to the point of exhaustion and deprived myself of basic human needs.

For so many years I've been doing these things and so many more,
trying to find in every other thing possible the things that I can only find inside myself.

Hell, I'm still doing these things,
still trying to find love and acceptance,
respect and confidence and worth,
all from and for myself.

I think somewhere inside my brain, the blindingly obvious truth is starting to shine through:
none of this is going to be achieved through outside measures.
The only place I will find these things is in myself.

I don't know where to start and I'm constantly looking for ways to get there faster.
But all I can do is keep trying and keep hoping that some day,
soon or in the future, I can find respect for myself.
I can realize my own self-worth.
I can be filled with self-confidence and self-esteem.

And most importantly, come to love myself.
Because, as Ru-Paul once said,
if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?