Sitting at my desk sobbing.
Finally emailed my sister-in-law about the job she told me about and explained that it sounds perfect, but I've been dealing with such nasty anxiety lately that I'm not sure I could handle it.
She emailed me this really nice reply about how she understands and she just really wants to see me in a better job and could get to college and get more schooling and have a future. And then she told me that she went to her doctor last month and got put on anxiety meds and that they've helped her so much. She said they're not a forever solution, but they help get her to a better functioning state.

Why can everyone else get through this but me?
My fear and anxiety are keeping me from tackling my fear and anxiety.
It's just so fucked up.

I can feel the winter blues gearing up already.

pulling away from everyone, sleeping for a few hours after i get home from work, waking up to snack, and going back to sleep until morning.
always on the verge of crying.
full of self-loathing.

i am so sick of existing like this.


sometimes on days like today it helps to go through my old pictures, my old journals and old posts on SH.
just to let myself know that I've come so far and that I *was* very sick.

I ache so badly,
for who I am now and for the girl I was then.

I wish I could've seen it then,
the severity of my problems.
But I can't even really see it now, at least not today.

Today is the kind of day where looking through those old things just makes me mad and angry and sad, makes me miss it all.

It's so dumb, that I'd miss something that made me so ill and has done so much damage to my body.

But today I do.
And tomorrow I probably will too.

I just want to be rid of this, for good.

I'm sick of sitting at work trying to figure out how I can kill myself between now and the next workday.
I'm sick of this anxiety keeping me here.
I'm sick of the anxiety keeping me in town because I can't fucking drive anywhere.
I'm sick of constantly worrying about every little fucking thing.

I'm looking up mental health/counseling places covered by my insurance.
This will be the first time I've done this in 8 years.
I'm fucking terrified.

positive thoughts, where have you gone?

Mad at myself for being a fat worthless anxiety-ridden slob who can't get out of the dead-end job that makes me suicidal, but I obviously cant tell anyone that so I'm taking it out on everyone else.

I want to sleep for weeks or forever.
I want to never have to leave my house again, just staying inside with my kitty and wallowing in my own self-loathing and anger and sadness until I'm nothing.

And the stupid thing is, as always, I hear myself saying "if I were at least starving or purging or skinny again, this would all be ok. There'd be a silver lining in it all."

This is all just completely pointless.

Rambling. Too many feelings.

The work pants I bought a month ago and have barely worn are far too tight today.
I've been having troubles lately eating over 1000 calories and this is not helping.

I have to drive myself to the fair tomorrow and I'm freaking out already.
My anxiety has been pretty shitty in general lately, but my driving anxiety has been out of control.

On top of that, the road to the fair is a hard one for me.
I have to drive one the last road my cousin was on. I have to drive right by the crash site. Four years and the hurt of losing him is still so fresh.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, aside from chain smoking my way there and probably stopping to puke from panic and memories.

This anxiety is ruining my life.