I am struggling with self-worth and feelings of negativity.
I have so many thoughts inside my head, but all I can do is cry today.
Today, I have very few jumbled words, so bear with me.
I think most of it is stemming from this guy I've been talking to.
I belong to a dating site because I am terrible at going out and meeting people.
I've been talking to this person for a week or two and we get on very well and have a lot in common.
But I doubt I will ever meet him.
The anxiety I get over, well everything, but specifically driving and meeting someone for the first time is overwhelming.
I haven't been on a date in nearly two years.
I haven't been in a relationship for three years.
The last person I was with very early broke me when he gave up on us. I was dealing with very serious depression and anxiety issues at the time and he just could not handle how withdrawn I was.
I have been in love with him since the first moment I laid eyes on him five years ago, and he felt the same way.
I don't blame him at all for leaving, or for how terrible I've become.
After he left, I withdrew and vowed to work on myself and my issues.
Three years later and nothing has changed.
And now this new person has come into my view and I just don't know how to proceed.
Instead of focusing on the actual issues - the anxiety and depression - I internalize and make everything about weight.
If I were smaller, I wouldn't have these problems. I'd be confident and easy to love.
I know it's not true, but it's always been the "easy answer".
I'm having a hard time not falling into it again, but I don't know what to do.
I know that if I am to move on and start living a healthy adult life with healthy adult relationships, I need to focus on the real problem - the anxiety.
But where do I start? How do I do this?
I guess the issue comes when we want to deal with the reality of a situation, but have no been given/had the opportunity to explore ways of dealing with that reality. So the same cycle ensues.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't change because you haven't been taught a new "skill" of coping any other way.
Is it worth sticking DBT into google and having a look at some of the things there?
I only say that because most of it is skills listings which may help you use a different more healthy means of coping, rather than ruminating and staying stuck with the same thoughts.
Relationships are hard.
I was single for years until the relationship I finished earlier this year of 3 years ended.
I think there are pros and cons - finding ourselves, focusing on us and I guess the alternate is the protection, security and love and support.
I think you just spilling this out is actually going to help you answer a LOT of your own questions <3
Pssst Love you <3
It's so funny you mention DBT. I saw an infomercial for an at-home program called Attacking Anxiety and Depression. After looking into it, it might be pretty beneficial for me. Unfortunately it's around $200 and I just don't know how that would fit into my budget. But it might be worth talking to my parents about too.
DeleteSomething needs to change, obviously, but I just get so lost figuring out where to start.
I'm sure sometime this weekend/next upcoming week I'll be posting addressing relationships and my past and the whole big saga with the last guy ;P
Thank you, Rache <3
Love you too <3
I can relate to the self-negativity and wanting to cry, and I admire you for talking about it. Even more I admire that you are on a dating site! Even if you struggle to go out and meet people, being on the site is the first step. Anxiety keeps me from even thinking about doing that, so I am encouraged that you're taking the first steps and pushing through your anxiety.
ReplyDeleteSia Jane has some good points, though I'm not famililar with DBT, I do know that letting things out - whether in therapy or on a blog or in a journal - that has helped me tremendously.
Good luck, and keep writing!