Today I am struggling with thoughts of never being "sick enough".
What does that mean though?
How sick is enough?
Is it the countless hours a day I've spent working out to the point of exhaustion?
Is it the disgusting amount of time I've wasted with my head in the toilet?
Is it the days and weeks I'd deprive myself of food?
Or have I been "sick enough" because all these things were normal to me?
Because all these things have become a way of life for me?

Days like this, when I doubt I've ever had a problem and that's always been in my head, I read through old diaries and online journals.
I dig out the first food diary I ever had and turn through the pages where I, at the tender age of 13, started restricting and purging.
I work my way up to the first online journal I had, when I was deeply involved in pro-ED groups and challenges.
So many girls wasting their lives on this, challenging each other for points to see who could eat less, who could purge more, who could not get caught, who could not die.

More than I wish to go back in time and apologize to myself, I wish to find those girls now and apologize for being a "friend" and encouraging them.

I should have done more to stop it.

But maybe that's the way to tell I was sick enough.
I couldn't see past it to know what I was doing to others.