I can feel the winter blues gearing up already.

pulling away from everyone, sleeping for a few hours after i get home from work, waking up to snack, and going back to sleep until morning.
always on the verge of crying.
full of self-loathing.

i am so sick of existing like this.


sometimes on days like today it helps to go through my old pictures, my old journals and old posts on SH.
just to let myself know that I've come so far and that I *was* very sick.

I ache so badly,
for who I am now and for the girl I was then.

I wish I could've seen it then,
the severity of my problems.
But I can't even really see it now, at least not today.

Today is the kind of day where looking through those old things just makes me mad and angry and sad, makes me miss it all.

It's so dumb, that I'd miss something that made me so ill and has done so much damage to my body.

But today I do.
And tomorrow I probably will too.

I just want to be rid of this, for good.